April 15, 2025

Dear Friends,

“Just give up control!” “You’re too controlling!” “He’s a control freak.” “Let go, and let God!”

Have any of these things been said to you, or about you? Does the subject of “control” leave you frustrated or angry or cold and bewildered?

You might be surprised to find that the idea of “giving up control” is not a biblical one. God told Adam and Eve to rule over the earth and subdue it. They were to cultivate it and Adam was to name the animals. All of these instructions or commandments imply authority and control. Rulers and church leaders were, and are, accountable for the way in which they exercise authority over others. Again, this implies control. While the instruction to “give up control” is often said very piously and with good intentions, it is simply not consistent with God’s revelation.

Yet, we all know “control freaks” — people who have to have everything done the way they want it to be done. You’ve probably seen “helicopter parents” — those parents who hover around their kids to make sure that only the best is happening to them. Surely, God can’t be pleased with these people and their approach to life and parenting!

While this is a topic too large for one page of a letter, let me make four statements related to the topic. First, “control” is the effective exercise of our power in our “kingdom“ as Dallas Willard calls it. Our “kingdom” is the extent to which decisions we make consistently have an effect.. When we exercise our legitimate power for our aims in a context where our power is adequate, we are exercising control. And that is how God has designed us to live.

The second statement is a corollary to the first: We cannot control that which is outside our kingdom and which is not yielded to our control. When a child refuses to obey a parent’s command, they are challenging the parent’s authority and control. When I can’t make something happen by any means available to me, I have no control in that situation.

Third, to be exhorted to give up control is to be exhorted to a form of folly for God never intends us to give up that control which has been given to us as a stewardship. There are things we are supposed to control — in our world, in ourselves.

Finally, we get in trouble when we try to control what we are not meant to control or what we don’t have the authority or strength to control. Efforts made in this situation are counterproductive and lead only to a variety of negative emotions and jeopardized relationships.

These statements can be summed up in an old prayer, attributed to the theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr. It is often used in 12 step programs and is popularly called, “The Serenity Prayer.” "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Blessings!

Doug